im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
