Already got asked if we're dating
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
