Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize