There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
