I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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