I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My vagina is officially offended.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize