I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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