You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
