I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
is that a dick in a sweater?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
