What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
only you would photoshop your dick
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
