please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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