wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
