FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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