There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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