I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
