there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
