Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
