I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
