When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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