I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
