Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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