I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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