I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
