fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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