His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
