OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
