I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
