I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
