She is in my trunk
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize