so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
