someone get that fucking seahorse.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
