6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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