I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
