one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
