Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize