shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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