When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
