i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
