when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
