There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
