1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
