shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
