her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
