very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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