already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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