I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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