If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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