my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
