dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
