that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
