is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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