i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
