Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
