On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
