god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
