I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
