Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
