you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize