I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
