He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
