smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
