kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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